For My Grandchildren: October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Domestic violence is any physically, verbally or emotionally violent act against a man, woman or child within the home.

• Forced sex within a marriage is a form of domestic violence.
• Physical child abuse is a form of domestic violence.
• Sexual child molestation is a form of domestic violence.
• Curse-outs (especially on a regular basis) are forms of domestic violence.

Once, I heard an elder male in my family say that sometimes a woman deserves to be hit. After meditating on this comment for a few years, I realized that each of my foremothers has experienced domestic violence: myself, my step-mother, my mother, both grandmothers.

I suspect that each of my four great-grandmothers did, too. Beyond that was legalized American slavery. My great-great grandmothers were all born under an American system of chattel slavery, two of them bearing the children of their owners.

When you are a black woman (or a black child) domestic violence is complicated.

During slavery, Black men were dehumanized by the majority white man and woman. However, this doesn't mean that Black men saw Black women as their equals. Most black abolitionist were men and most black abolitionist women were unmarried.

A brief examination of Black history reveals that discrimination against Black men has been rampant. 200 years of slavery was violent and deadly. The nadir/reconstruction was only briefly successful... before the birth of the KKK and other organized groups. The roaring 20s was one of the most violent eras of American history and saw the increased murder of Black men through lynching as a form of entertainment, a spectacle to be observed, photographed and shared through postcards. Before the success of the civil rights movement, the creation of intelligence agencies along with federal housing commissions restricted black success, black housing and black education. During the height of the civil rights movement, there was the systematic assassination of all leaders who could enact change. After the civil rights movement was the intentional infiltration of drugs in inner cities And even in this millennium, there are many failing school districts, whose inadequate services are based off of property taxes.

The structured attack against black men has been blatant. And Black women as mothers and wives, have tried generation after generation to support and fight for black men.

However, throughout Black history, there has also been domestic violence against Black women. Especially the violence in Black homes by black men. Black women have been slapped and shoved, forced to have sex and silenced.

Once, I asked my father what can a woman do to prevent being hit or cursed out by a man. At the time, he said he did not know.

After examining my family history, I don't think any of the women knew.

I try to support and elevate Black men every time I get the opportunity. However, how can one support Black men without justifying domestic violence?

I am afraid that it is already too late for my children to grow up without knowing domestic violence. I hope that maybe one day in the distant future my granddaughters will not have fathers who hit them, stepfathers who molest them, boyfriends who curse them out or husbands who force them to have sex. I hope that my grandsons can manage the burden of being a black man without beating, cursing, molesting or raping black women. I hope that my grandchildren can experience what me, my parents, my grand parents, my great grandparents and all of the generations of American enslaved persons could not, did not.

How can I support black men -- without accepting domestic violence?

I have no idea.